Bright Happy Cheerful - Directions

You know that woman, who is bright, cheerful, and never endingly chipper; always looks on the bright side of every situation. She is your coworker: brings snacks to the meetings, is optimistic, even on Mondays, smiles and greets everyone. She is a parent at your kid’s school: brings perfectly made snacks, always volunteers to be the classroom helper, and knows every kid by name and personality. She is your neighbor: at every block meeting, always brings snacks, has the immaculate lawn, the well-mannered children, the perfect house. WE ALL KNOW THIS WOMAN. We all suck teeth when this woman walks in the room and smiles as if life was something to be smiled at. We all run away when she comes near, anticipating her high octane personality level and dreading it. Coffee was invented to deal with people like this. Funny thing is, until recently, I was this woman. Unicorns, rainbows and all. I still am in actuality, just dialed back.

What happened you ask? Life happened. I am an only child, raised by an older parent, who had a stroke out of nowhere and WHAM I’m adulting all over the place. I was a newly married woman dreaming of fun trips, married couple dates, monogram stationary and of course lots of dinner parties. Then my parent, my foundation, lost her balance and it was up to me to right her world. In the blink of an eye I was a home owner, two car insurance paying, making medical and financial decisions for two households, paying fines because I forgot to cut the lawn, performing costly maintenance on a home that I had not budgeted for nor anticipated in paying for. In the mist of this, G-d saw the need to put my husband and me in the position to adopt our son while being pregnant with our first naturally born child and two years later with our third child. Yipes! In the mist of all this, I began to lose direction. I couldn’t see where my life was going or where I wanted it to go. All I knew is that I was falling off track and I needed to get back or lose myself completely.

I was no longer bright and cheerful, there was no joy, hope or love in the world. Only stark reality framed by a faded gray hue. What was there to always be pleasant about? To always smile for? I couldn’t see through the fog. The days were endlessly the same; wake, kids, work, check on mom, kids, sleep – repeat. Where was my life, where was my purpose, where had I gone?

I still haven’t found it, if I want to be honest. That one glorious thing that gives my life complete meaning. But is it just one thing? As I stated earlier I am still a golden beam of sunshine whose friends groan at the ooze of optimism that flows from my lips, but on a much toned down level. I know now that the world is not all rainbows and unicorns, that there are some very dark spots to this thing we call life. But there are also some very bright light filled parts: when my mother spoke for the first time after six months of silence after her stroke, the moments my children say I Love You (unasked), when everything at work falls into place, opening a new book and losing myself for an hour or two (nap times), having the time to blog, my show! These are a few of a thousand of things that gives my life completion.  

I still feel adrift, without direction, yet I feel like the fog is starting to clear. I feel that by focusing on rebuilding my faith, I am starting to rebuild me. Like a lot of people I made New Year Resolutions, have become more organized spiritually and physically. I’m starting to get to know the person I have become and connecting her with the person I once knew me to me. Growing up is so hard, but I’ve got snacks!