Bright Happy Cheerful - Directions

You know that woman, who is bright, cheerful, and never endingly chipper; always looks on the bright side of every situation. She is your coworker: brings snacks to the meetings, is optimistic, even on Mondays, smiles and greets everyone. She is a parent at your kid’s school: brings perfectly made snacks, always volunteers to be the classroom helper, and knows every kid by name and personality. She is your neighbor: at every block meeting, always brings snacks, has the immaculate lawn, the well-mannered children, the perfect house. WE ALL KNOW THIS WOMAN. We all suck teeth when this woman walks in the room and smiles as if life was something to be smiled at. We all run away when she comes near, anticipating her high octane personality level and dreading it. Coffee was invented to deal with people like this. Funny thing is, until recently, I was this woman. Unicorns, rainbows and all. I still am in actuality, just dialed back.

What happened you ask? Life happened. I am an only child, raised by an older parent, who had a stroke out of nowhere and WHAM I’m adulting all over the place. I was a newly married woman dreaming of fun trips, married couple dates, monogram stationary and of course lots of dinner parties. Then my parent, my foundation, lost her balance and it was up to me to right her world. In the blink of an eye I was a home owner, two car insurance paying, making medical and financial decisions for two households, paying fines because I forgot to cut the lawn, performing costly maintenance on a home that I had not budgeted for nor anticipated in paying for. In the mist of this, G-d saw the need to put my husband and me in the position to adopt our son while being pregnant with our first naturally born child and two years later with our third child. Yipes! In the mist of all this, I began to lose direction. I couldn’t see where my life was going or where I wanted it to go. All I knew is that I was falling off track and I needed to get back or lose myself completely.

I was no longer bright and cheerful, there was no joy, hope or love in the world. Only stark reality framed by a faded gray hue. What was there to always be pleasant about? To always smile for? I couldn’t see through the fog. The days were endlessly the same; wake, kids, work, check on mom, kids, sleep – repeat. Where was my life, where was my purpose, where had I gone?

I still haven’t found it, if I want to be honest. That one glorious thing that gives my life complete meaning. But is it just one thing? As I stated earlier I am still a golden beam of sunshine whose friends groan at the ooze of optimism that flows from my lips, but on a much toned down level. I know now that the world is not all rainbows and unicorns, that there are some very dark spots to this thing we call life. But there are also some very bright light filled parts: when my mother spoke for the first time after six months of silence after her stroke, the moments my children say I Love You (unasked), when everything at work falls into place, opening a new book and losing myself for an hour or two (nap times), having the time to blog, my show! These are a few of a thousand of things that gives my life completion.  

I still feel adrift, without direction, yet I feel like the fog is starting to clear. I feel that by focusing on rebuilding my faith, I am starting to rebuild me. Like a lot of people I made New Year Resolutions, have become more organized spiritually and physically. I’m starting to get to know the person I have become and connecting her with the person I once knew me to me. Growing up is so hard, but I’ve got snacks!

IT HAS BEGUN!

It has begun.

These iconic words are known throughout the world as the call of beginnings; both good and bad. Depending on which side of the call you are on, depends on the good and the bad. I use it to signal the beginning, well continuation really of my spiritual journey. I say continuation, as I have been on this journey all my life. A seasoned Christian one would say. Up until recently, I would have called myself a true and faithful believer. I can now clearly call myself a lukewarm Christian; I believed Jesus died for my sins, I knew there was a one true G-d, John 3:16 flowed piously from my lips and I attended Church (sporadically). But when questioned about my faith by fellow believers, non-believers, Muslims and Jews. I didn’t have answers to basic questions. I believed what I believed because that was what I was taught, by family, friends and various preachers. Yet, I couldn’t articulate what some scripture meant, why we believed what we believed, why I only read the New Testament (this in its self was the most embarrassing). This brought to mind so many questions. What do I believe? Am I still a believer? Who is G-d to me?  

So here I am a mother of 3, married woman of 5 years, at the time, in the year I would turn 35, questioning my spirituality. No not questioning, wondering, if I was truly a Christian Woman and what it meant to be a Christian Woman, especially in modern times. I knew I wanted my kids to have the same childhood I did, spiritually, yet I wanted them to be clear about their faith. To be able to say with the faith and conviction of John the Baptist, that they were true and faithful believers.

So with benevolence that could only be from G-d, He sent me down the rabbit hole to discover for myself what is the depthless of my faith. I came to this conclusion after a 6 month journey. I was nowhere near where I thought I was or wanted to be. I had travelled so far from the path that I could no longer see where I was going. Here I was walking around thinking I was like Ruth and Esther, when I was really more like Sarah and Rahab. 

Okay, so I defined myself now what? In true modern fashion I started a radio show to broadcast, publicly, the next 6 months of my journey. I was asked to join an internet radio station where I would be given three hours a week to talk about whatever topic I wanted, no restrictions. Wow! Great! I was ecstatic at this opportunity, finally a platform to talk my heart out with no one telling me to hush! So many ideas came to mind; I love music and I could interview artist; I knew a lot of authors and writers I could talk about them and their work, be a platform to help them promote themselves. So many ideas, but I wasn’t passionate about any of them as a whole, I couldn’t mustard the effort to get going. Time was counting down and I needed to have a title of the show and its theme to the producers. I called my circle and started seeking advice and each one had the same answer; ask G-d! You don’t have to tell me twice! Well actually, they did, about three times. (I’m a little stubborn). I took a moment after the kids were asleep, sat and prayed more fervently than ever for guidance and for a sign. This was one of my dreams and it was coming true; I didn’t want to blow it. The answer came from a Muslim friend at work (G-d uses all)

She asked me one day at lunch over various conversations, what kind of woman I wanted to be. I said after much thought, a Virtuous Woman. She asked me what I meant. I explained that in the bible, Psalms 31 is a conversation between a mother and her son, where the mother is telling the son what kind of wife he should seek to spend the rest of his life with. Right then I had what Oprah would call an “Ah-ha” moment. I knew what direction G-D wanted for me and my show. In every prayer up until that moment, all I asked for was to be a better, wife, mother, daughter, friend; a better Christian woman. And here she was, all spelled out.

So now that I had the blueprint for what I wanted, in all English major glory, I went on a research spree. I began to watch videos, ask questions, read commentaries and sermons. I almost purchased a Strong’s concordance (whoosh, are my pockets happy that I didn’t). I’ve learned so much. The last 9 months have flown by. My faith has increased 100%, I pray A LOT MORE. I even started having private bible study weekly to learn more. The radio show is doing great. I was able to combine, my love of music, interviewing, poetry, into a quality show. Each Sunday morning, I pick a topic and have Sunday School, on air, live, talking about scripture that relates to my week and its meaning, history & social modern news relating to that topic. I also play praise and worship music that inspires and uplifts. I have guest come on to talk about their music, their own spiritual journey and/or their books of poetry and books of inspiration. I talk to a lot of learned professionals so that my understandings are correct and I am properly inspiring others.

 I am so inspired about this New Year and continuing my journey. I plan on having more guest on the show, great music, more learning and developing my faith. that's the most important thing I have learned, is that this is a continuous journey of learning and developing yourself for a better walk with G-d.

In my own journey, this year, I have taken on the plan to read the Bible in one year and to have a personal topic each month for my own personal bible study. Which will also correlate to the topic of the month on the show. I’m so eager to begin. I have never read the bible in its entirety, this was something that both frightened and taunted me. I feel the awakening of something inside me that I never knew to be there yet wants to come out. I can see in my own interactions with others, my development of character.  But G-d is not through with me yet (love that one-liner). I am nowhere near what any who calls themselves a Virtuous Woman should/could be. I still have moments of impatience, when my 2 year old asks, for the 17 time, a slice of chocolate cake instead of eating her dinner, I still have moments of anger when the trash is not taken out and the cat as gotten into it so it’s all over the floor. I am not perfect, only one man was, and I am not him.

I plan on using this blog to document my Sunday programs, if I can find a way to link the audio I will. You should listen, I’m funny and I can sing. Well, I’m funny. I also plan to use it to elaborate about Christian news and topics that that interest me. And to see where this growth, G-d is developing in me, takes me.

1 Corinthians 12 talks about your spiritual gifts from G-d to use them and to glorify Him. I plan on doing just that. I love to write, create, speak, read and help. These are the basic gifts I have identified in myself and I plan on using them and not letting them go to waste. Now this also means I will be super busy; marriage, motherhood, full time job, radio, small business entrepreneur.  All need to be given 100%. Wow that's a lot; this year is going to be something else!

Pray for me and I will pray for you. Smooches!

It has begun!